Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

Kid: We never have anything good to eat!

Me: Go shake your car seat out.

People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

this came to me in a vision

this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

My husband got stung by a bee on the forehead,he’s at the hospital now.
Face all swollen and bruised,he almost died…..

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel !!!

If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.

Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.

All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?

Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting

[restaurant]

waiter: how would you like your steak

me: i don’t know, medium?

medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.

Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.

Meal prep ✔️

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

The 9 levels of midwestern anger

9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

so weird how every mom was born today

I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you

Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

From mommies.

“How do they get inside?”

CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.