Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.

WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.

My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol

My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.

Me: *jumps in front of a car*

Her: Dear, not deer.

My soul floating away: Craaaaap.

I put the mess in domestic.

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.

I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.

After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.

[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK