Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter has been super nice lately and encouraging me to take naps so I can rest and I just discovered that while I’ve been doing that she’s been slowly decimating my secret candy stash

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats

My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you

Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.

*Pages stick together

How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?

If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍

Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

This is enough internet for the day.

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.

I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline

The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen

Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”

I don’t know either, kid

Who the hell invented Bull Riding?

“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.

Credit: Orawan Thongchinda

A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.

She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.

She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.

It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.

I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.