I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
You Might Also Like
Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
The biggest mystery of our time
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*