Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hands a turd to the teacher

Teacher: What’s this?!

Me: My dog ate my homework.

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter

My pics are real.

I don’t use any filters.

I don’t even use coffee filters.

I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.

Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.

Me: *pulls a glass push door*

Wife:

Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*

Wife:

Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door

Wife: *nods* weird door

Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky

Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?

Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.

Mine has been gone 6 years.

nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.

Friday the 13th doesn’t even feel creepy cause bad things happen everyday now. 🫶🏽🫶🏽

Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this

Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.

I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.

Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.