Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God making raccoons]

GOD: I want a goth red panda

ANGEL: so like… a regular panda

GOD: no, make it small

ANGEL: okay

GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting

“This tofu tastes like chicken.”

No one believes you dude.

Me: I am a logical and rational fully grown adult.

Also me: I must run as fast as I can up the stairs after I’ve switched the light off at night so no monsters can grab me by the ankles.

my kids April fools joke was putting a huge fake fly in the fridge and saying

“dad…would you like to go to… [long pause] …the fridge?”

why sure kiddo, this is a normal everyday conversation we have

A roomba that swears every time it hits something.

Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.

Me: What should I wear on my date

Friend: An expensive dress shirt

*Later*

Me: Hi

Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown

Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?

Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow

Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.

The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.

God: How’s it going on Earth

Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream

God: Send a flood. Send several floods

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.

just pretend nothing happened

A fake ID that makes you younger

“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”

famous last (known whereabouts) words

“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*

me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please

*after sex*

Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest