I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
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My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
My kid, asking the important questions after I told her I’d gone to the PTA meeting this morning, “How did you wear your hair?”