I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
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I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
3% human
97% stress
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…