i now pronounce you bounced.
You Might Also Like
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
💀💀💀💀
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp