i now pronounce you bounced.
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Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Feel. He’s so soft.
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
My really creepy/annoying neighbor asked me to borrow $20 for an emergency last week and now he’s been ducking me and it’s so awesome. Would have payed way more to get this guy to leave me alone
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
The Backseat Boys
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.