i now pronounce you bounced.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
6 (7:30am): Why is it so dark, isn’t it morning?
Me: Yeah buddy (explanation of the first day of winter, shortest day of the year, winter solstice)
(Later, 4:30pm)
6: Why is it so dark, is it bedtime?
Me: No, remember it’s…ummmm, yeah it’s bedtime. Are you tired!?
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
My kid lost his tooth eating a taco 2 weeks ago and we still haven’t found it.
He swears he didn’t swallow it and that it’s “just hiding.”
Yeah, hiding in the sewer.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Tooth.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
![]()