… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
You Might Also Like
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Bless you
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
“Can you put it all in an email?”
Translations:
1. I haven’t been listening
2. I have been listening and what you’re saying is important, but I simply won’t remember it all
3. I have been listening but you’re going on a bit and I’d like you to go away now
4. I want a…
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I’m standing in the middle of the party with a bag full of burritos just now realizing B.Y.O.B. was referring to beer.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
One time, I swallowed a dictionary whole.
It was thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.