“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
You Might Also Like
“Well, this is no good. How do I turn it off?” – The first primate to experience consciousness
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
This came to me in a dream.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i