I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
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[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
the three branches of government
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Respect
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
The Assassin.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
This hospital has everything
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?