@redherringbear
@RunwayDan
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
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@RunwayDan
@Lisa_Laughs_
The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.
@dlockw21
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
@squirrel74wkgn
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
@Gupton68
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
@pahtch
all these ghosts using slowed down nursery rhymes to haunt people like jesus christ for once i wish some dead person would choose gasolina by daddy yankee i mean youre already dead. bend the rules. pick a bop.
@DaddyJew
Why yes, lady with a cracked IPhone, I’d love it if you’d hold my baby.
@murrman5
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
@dannyboy7813
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
@TheAlexNevil
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.