I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
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Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
favorite tropes as memes
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.