I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

You Might Also Like


“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”



My 16 year old is prickly, difficult, quick to anger, and a constant storm of emotion. She’s also the only person I know who would avenge my death.


The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.


*spills one drop of maple syrup

(entire house is sticky for the next decade)


Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]