
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
It’s been a tough year for gluten farmers.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Sometimes, distance maketh the heart less likely to be stabbed
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
My 16 year old is prickly, difficult, quick to anger, and a constant storm of emotion. Sheβs also the only person I know who would avenge my death.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
*spills one drop of maple syrup
(entire house is sticky for the next decade)
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]