@redherringbear

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

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@RunwayDan

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

@Lisa_Laughs_

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

@dlockw21

I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.

@squirrel74wkgn

My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.

@Gupton68

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

@pahtch

all these ghosts using slowed down nursery rhymes to haunt people like jesus christ for once i wish some dead person would choose gasolina by daddy yankee i mean youre already dead. bend the rules. pick a bop.

@DaddyJew

Why yes, lady with a cracked IPhone, I’d love it if you’d hold my baby.

@murrman5

can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”

@dannyboy7813

Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?