@redherringbear

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

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@_Tempo11

“You know…”

[takes drag of cigarette]

“That energy bar is full of sugar”

[exhales]

@Gooooats

My 16 year old is prickly, difficult, quick to anger, and a constant storm of emotion. She’s also the only person I know who would avenge my death.

@david8hughes

The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.

@tweetsvisual

*spills one drop of maple syrup

(entire house is sticky for the next decade)

@djdarrellripley

Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?

Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?

J.W: Why yes..

[slams the door]