I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

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Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.


The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.


I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.


My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.


I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.


all these ghosts using slowed down nursery rhymes to haunt people like jesus christ for once i wish some dead person would choose gasolina by daddy yankee i mean youre already dead. bend the rules. pick a bop.


Why yes, lady with a cracked IPhone, I’d love it if you’d hold my baby.


can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
“am or pm?”


Me: I’ve got distressed genes.

Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.

M: Have you met my family?