Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
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It’s been a tough year for gluten farmers.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Sometimes, distance maketh the heart less likely to be stabbed
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
My 16 year old is prickly, difficult, quick to anger, and a constant storm of emotion. She’s also the only person I know who would avenge my death.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
*spills one drop of maple syrup
(entire house is sticky for the next decade)
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]