I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
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I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
We all have our pet causes.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
in the ocean
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
murder on the timeline
