Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home

Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the lightsaber at home tomorrow

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.

Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.

DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?

ME: No thank you.

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.

41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?

THEM: You are not alone.

ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

older women will do that thing you like.

~bake cookies

You learn something every day

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby