Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.

My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”

Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam

Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!

this is literally a CIA plant

I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.

My fantasy football season is going great

[shopping]

May I help you find something?

“Where are the giants?“

What?

“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)

Me: omg now what

HR: shirts aren’t optional

Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek

…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!

– my Dad

therapy: $90/hr

saying “it eez what it eez”: $0

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

i hope my email finds you on fire

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.

Him: I can’t sleep

Me: try counting sheep

Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?

Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.