Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.

“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”

I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough

Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”

[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]

Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?

*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers

Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.

Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

I have the legs of a gymnast and the arms of a swimmer. Maybe that’s why I’ve been called in for police questioning.

2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal life

Today:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.

My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.

If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.

Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.

Let’s name him something that will make children smile

“How about Santa?”

Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him

Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*

Usage Guidelines

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

“it’s just like riding a bicycle”

Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most

*puts my mental health in rice

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?