I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
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don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy