Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.

If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby

ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies

My son, 5, scared of the thunder.

I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.

Think that helped.

I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant

What do you call a denim expert?

A jeanius.

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

Here’s a fun activity you can do with your kids on rainy days when they have too much energy:

Go shopping at Target and leave them at home with their dad.

I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

in high school i thought it would be the funniest thing to have someone dressed in a scooby mascot costume come to my wedding and just behave like a normal, shy guest and not let anyone photograph the ceremony. then, years later, gaslight everyone there who said that happened

ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT

Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.

[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

nothing like a slow cooked sausage