I occasionally drink every single night.
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“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”
So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
shampoo implies shampee
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Booked a non-refundable train ticket, sadly had to cancel the trip. Accepted I would lose the train fare. As luck would have it the train I was due to travel on got cancelled. So applied for a refund even though I’d no intention of travelling. It’s the small wins.
There’s always that one guy
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?