I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
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I could NOT have put it better myself.
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Im not joining no alternate twitter app not gon lie, if this gets taken down im starting a family
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.