Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You didn’t get fired, your job “fumbled you”

My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t

too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

whoever designed giraffes was extremely high

as is their right

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

[leaving for vacation]

Me: Do we have everything?

Kids: Yes!

Me: Let’s go!

[5 min up road]

Son: Dad, where’s mommy?

Me: *makes u-turn*

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking

I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.

I had to Stop for this

My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over

I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

nobody:
my fish before I fry it:

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr

[1994]

Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.

[2019]

Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.

My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*