Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone

Other surgeons: what

My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.

very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell

I didn’t come here to be called names

Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s

[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”

Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*

Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.

Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.

This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.

10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?

Me: I sure did.

10: Did you have electricity?

We learned by candlelight.

Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐

Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.