I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
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Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
#Caturday
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone