Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

[Reporting live on scene]

Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?

Me: Christ Gary, all of it.

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.

At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

finally

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon

is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?

Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues

a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain

A classic spooky scribbles now in color 🧙‍♀️

My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.

I got called to HR again for setting up mousetraps around my gross coworker that takes their shoes off

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.