Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time

Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.

for all #parents out there

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.

Aragorn: You have my sword.

Legolas: And you have my bow.

Gimli: And my axe.

Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.

Aragorn: But we’re heading to –

Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

ibopfufen

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

Welcome to the dark side.
We have….

Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.

Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.

The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…

*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”

Mmmm yeah, you like that?

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

An app where you and your SO swipe left and right on restaurants until there’s a match. No talking, no negotiation. Who’s building this?

Missionary, so we can keep arguing

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

I only eat vegetarians.

Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts

i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey

I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃

*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*

My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?

Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.

Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!