I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
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I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?