I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
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Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur