I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
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Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
58.
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