Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

I was with someone that did mushrooms yesterday that told me they could, like, *hear* sounds and I didn’t have the heart to tell them that’s how I receive sounds too

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.

Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

[watching video of an amazing feat]

Age 20: i could do that

Age 30: he’s amazing

Age 40: doesn’t that guy work

[Lori Loughlin trial]

JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?

LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis

JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?

LAWYER: Yes, your honor

JUDGE: I’ll allow it

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My phone:

My hands: holding anything messy.

My phone: *ring*

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”

When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.

I said: May divorce be with you…

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces

The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.

Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!

Kids: Church?

I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?

When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.