Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.

In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.

Lesson learned. No donuts next time.

Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute

Car salesmen: Good evening

Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND

asked my bf how work was today

me: how can I impress my date

friend: take her to your favorite food place

me: ok

[later]
her: that’s was really nice

my mom: you’re welcome

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.

#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.

The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail

“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.

“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing

Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:

Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like

Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like

I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout