I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
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At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards