Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*

*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.

“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”

*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off

There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.

*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.

Topic: Excited about mustard!

MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?

InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄

[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

I want what they have

CEO: we need to cut legal in half

Legal: i’m the only one here

CEO: yep

My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs

Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.

I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.

Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess

The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

If she’s interested in you she will reply

If she isn’t, she won’t

Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take

90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms

barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job