Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.

marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?

me: i don’t know

my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret

Happy Caturday!

Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…

Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.

*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*

I think about this a lot

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*

NINE MONTHS LATER

*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen

For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]

KID: I’m hungry

DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food

Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.

Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.

Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”

A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed

Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter

Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it

(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*

I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.

WORM 911: what’s ur emergency

FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD

WORM 911: u need medical help?

FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.

aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary

My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”

This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.