Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?

5: because I’m 5

Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice

Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.

Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.

We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.

ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

zone out

A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.

god: you have outlived your purpose

dinosaurs: give us another chance

god: fine

dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this

she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot

Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.

Peter: *harpoons a guy*

Jesus: Too literal, bro.

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

So glad we cleared that up

it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”

Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.

4-year-old: We thank the microwave?

ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share

If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are

I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.

Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me