I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
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“This would be better if there was cake” really does ring true in any situation.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
🍂🕷️🍂
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
#StillHurts
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?