I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
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Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way