Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do robots dream of electric sheep?

I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.

old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame

Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?

Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad

Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid

Me: Go to bed

4-year-old: But I have questions!

Me: You’re stalling

4: I need to know!

Me: What?

4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

*Beats guy over the head with celery.*

Stalking is hard.

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes

Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me

R.I.P. 2024 (2024 – 2024)

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.

Sloths: bro

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

[Flirting]

I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.

Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.

Server: Tartar sauce?

Dentist: *eyes narrow*

The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.