Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up

The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.

Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers

Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore

My loaf of bread looks terrified

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.

MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]

[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.

Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.

Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.

need him

garbage man: hello little fella

raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please

god: here are the animals

man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes

Have you ever gone hiking through the mountains for several days? When you finally arrive at your campsite and you drop the 40lb sack you’ve been carrying on your back, you feel reborn. You feel free again. Anyways, both of my kids are staying with their grandparents this week.

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day