i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
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I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
First draft: “I’ve almost finished it”
Final draft: “it’s almost finished me”
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.