i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
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I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
What flavor cupcake are these
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Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere