i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
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You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.