Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
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This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I want to meet the individual who made this
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”