Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”

*gets first nose bleed since childhood*

Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?

<- sleeps well with others

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.

It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips

Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees

You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier

*carves turkey

*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations

elf: *holding only a hammer* how

Top Four Signs of Job Security:

4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss

What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?

it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut

if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?

4 Year Old: Chocolate

Me: You really are my child.