I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
You Might Also Like
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.