Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”

Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion

A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)

I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!

#LaborDay

PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?

ME: There is no way

PAL: Why?

ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people

Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first

HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff

Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it

ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.

You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours

me: yeah so

friend: maybe u should turn it on

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

[At bar]

*all sweaty after doing the worm*

Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?

Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.

a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE

This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight