I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
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If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Every house has this drawer
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off