I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
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I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.
Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that