I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
![]()
You Might Also Like
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE
Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
Ape together strong
![]()
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”