I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
You Might Also Like
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.