I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
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Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
do u think theres a butter planet?
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?