I often miss my train in the morning. And during the rest of the day. I never should have given away that train
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Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.