I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
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I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Stupid cow blocking the road. HOW DAIRY!
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
A woman at the gym is wearing a shirt that says “oh my quad Becky look at those squats”
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I’m not like most teenage girls. I’m a forty-one year old man
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
When I pack too much for a short trip.
