I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.
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me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
new shirt idea
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
No.
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman