Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
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We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
This pepper has seen some shit
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.