@Gupton68

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

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@juliussharpe

That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.

@jellybnbonanza

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

@MatCro

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

@TheAlexP

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

@Donnie_Fairburn

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

@Woody_B_

Friend: what the hell is that?
Me: it’s my putter, I made it myself from peanuts
Friend: that’s dumb!
Me: don’t be jelly of my peanut-putter

@tsm560

Hey girl, are you bacteria? Because I know I need you but I have no idea why.

@StinkyGr33n

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

@ClichedOut

[ordering from the dollar menu]

me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please

@ScaryMommy

No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.

I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.