I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
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5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Yes
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..