I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
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[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.