I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
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I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Authorities claim that a Canadian company is at the centre of an international pyramid scheme. The company hasn’t responded to the accusation, but they did ask two people to respond for them, and each one asked two people to respond for *them*, and so on.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
A couple walks toward me with their dog, a Briard. Of course they want me to ask about the dog. I pretend I don’t speak English.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th