I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
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When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb
publisher: what?
milne: the tiger can’t spell
publisher: no
milne: the bear won’t wear pants
publisher: *getting up* this is terrible
milne: there’s a depressed donkey
publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’