Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50

There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.

Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?

“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life

Him: A nap? Really?

Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.

Him:

Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.

Him: Guess they like pizza, too.

Me: What do you have against wolves?

I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.

Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.

BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.

[Being murdered]

Me: You’re stabbing wrong

Murderer:

Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work

[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]

I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee

Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.

Why is it spelled “camouflage” and not “ “

Twitter is the new flypaper.

[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”

Here

“Aren’t you going to guess?”

Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.

Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.

[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.

Material possessions mean nothing to me.

*breaks phone*

I don’t think I can make it through this week.

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life

I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.