I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
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My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”