I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
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I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
Thank you for sharing that story with us, now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go boil my soul.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Seems kinda suspicious
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
Today I had a chocolate frosted doughnut without sprinkles…….. diets can be tough!!
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”
That is because they also stole the fence.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.