I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
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“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
My son wants a proper drum kit for Christmas but I’ve only got him a miniature one so I’m expecting wee percussions…
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.