Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”

Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part

[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]

Me: I’ll take it.

No man left behind.

No stone left unturned.

No donut left uneaten.

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”

Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*

*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.

the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO

For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.

My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.

Me: For Tina Turner?

My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.

When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.

[Vegan Conference]

Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves

Vegan: I’m a vegan

Vegan2: I’m also a vegan

May never get over this

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

[tucking a hotdog behind my ear] I’m off for my run, babe. See you later.

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”