I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
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I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
im all 3
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
In Canada they just call them geese