I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Me: The woman next door thinks you’ve been spying on her. Go over and tell her you’d never do that.
Him: Okay. I’ll go as soon as she’s out of the shower
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
I asked my Gramma which walker she preferred to use.
She said Johnnie.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
wife yelling down to basement: you guys aren’t trying to contact spirits down there are ya??
me coughing bc I sat too close to the burning sage: we’re playing poker
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”