I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
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“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
I haven’t seen Criss Angel in awhile …. I have to say this is by far his best magic trick ever.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
this meeting could have been a push down the stairs
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
i have one of these at work and when i get bored i plug it into the outlets
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*