I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
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Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
me: i gave you the wrong mixtape
gf: all of these songs are about eating a sandwich
me: i know
gf: how are there so many
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there