I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
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Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
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Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
Beware…..
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
so, is there a mister shapen head
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*